Going cray-cray

I feel like the only thing the antibiotics have done is make me (a) hungry or (b) notice just how hungry I already was.  I am HUNGRY suddenly to a degree that I am eating in a really unhealthy way when I do eat and feeling badly because of it.  I think part of my hunger this week is eating lower fat because fat is so hard for me to digest.  I think I have to figure out where the fat line is for me so I can eat up to it.  This week, I was visiting my Mom and she’s all about low-fat everything so it was fish and chicken.  Tasty and more my mental thing but I suspect less physically satisfying.  In any event, when it’s meal time, I feel like I am shoveling in the food as fast I can which is, of course, not optimal for good digestion.  I’m really not sure what to do about this.   Ultimately, it’s been 45 days of eating 1000-1200 calories a day. I’m an active person – I’m not shocked I am so hungry.  Before this, I averaged about 2000 last time I tracked.  I want to start running again but I really doubt I have the energy for it.  That blows.

I tried raspberries (raw) this morning.  Got indigestion within about an hour.  This made me cry.  Full on tears.  I am so desperate for food I can eat (and, at the moment, Thanksgiving looms like a glaring sore to be pressed) that finding something I cannot eat just makes me instantly cry.  I likely have some PMS too but still, I’m at work, people. This is not good!

(My boss gave me a shiatsu head and neck massage at this very nice Japanese salon for my birthday.  I’m going today.  I cannot wait.)

I think I am going to need therapy to get through the rest of this.  I mean, who knows – I see the doctor again next week and maybe he’ll have some good news but if this continues, I need someone to rage at.  This is very frustrating.  I had my abdominal sonogram today.  It’s probably not a good sign that it hurt badly in certain places (liver – I quizzed the tech – was one – ow! All that not-drinking I do….) but whatever.  I feel like I am desperate for answers.

And Buddhism would point out – rightly – that controlling is what makes us crazy. That nothing is in control – control is a perception and that is about hope/fear and the future/past and not about the now.  Even knowing all that (and believing it LOL), my mind is doing a “yes, but…” with it and I still desperately want for some answers.  I am very distracted when I meditate suddenly although my discursive thoughts ARE revealing.  I am noticing how much I want to control this process, etc. so for that, the meditation is very instructive even if I feel like a mess during it.

In any event, I’m hungry and facing cutting some more stuff out.  I really feel like I am not tolerating rutabaga well.  I’m going to give it a rest for a week and try it again, isolated (I’ve been eating it with other foods) and see if it’s okay.  It’s actually not a FODMAP so I’m not sure what the deal is other than it is starchier.  Parsnip also seems to be iffy.  Again, not a FODMAP but starchier.

I do know I have duodenitis and gastritis.  I may feel CRAZY but I’m not.  But the hunger, dear god, the hunger is really driving me mad.  I’m off to distract myself some more so I don’t just want to eat everything.

So what can I seem to eat now –

  • Kale/spinach/chard/collard greens
  • yellow squash/zucchini
  • chicken/fish/shell fish
  • olive oil
  • homemade applesauce
  • lean pork
  • burgers are iffy – if I eat only a small amount, I’m okay
  • carrots
  • green beans (technically not AIP so I’m minimizing, but really at this point, I’ll take what I can get)
  • Sweet potato – thank God, okay!

Today was the last day of the farmer’s market in my neighborhood until May.  I really like the farmer so I stopped by and got carrots, kale and beets.  We’ll see how beets (a FODMAP) go over next week.   I need to take more of a ‘this may not work’ aspect to what I’m eating.  Given that two things that are not bothering me are FODMAPs, I’m not sure I should be overly avoiding FODMAPs as a group.   When I did FODMAP elimination a few years ago, the group that was really bad for me is broccoli, etc.  The others – including wheat and dairy – where sort of a non-entity.  But, back to my original point, I think I am so excited to eat these foods (blueberries/raspberries), that I am devastated when they don’t work out.  Ultimately, it could be the raw factor that kills them for me, right?  Worth trying again in a cooked/stewed fashion before I kill them entirely.

Given my reduction of GERD symptoms, I feel AIP is giving me *something*.  But I just can’t digest the fat yet which means I’m very hungry.  I’m keeping the burgers in the rotation so I can try to build fat back in but it’s very uncomfortable to keep eating and feeling like crap!

Idea re: bone broth.  Maybe I need to just eat like a 1/4 c. for a few days and see if I can tolerate ANY of it.  I could build it in that way?  Oh, who the hell  knows…..

10:12 and I ate chicken and raspberries at 8a for breakfast.  Completely starving already.  Ugh.

This is hard.

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